I told him I wasn’t into him. He said I was “too fem” for his taste anyway
The masc vs. fem wars have entered the chat.
I went on a date Tuesday, and as he walked me to my car, Garrett said he wanted to see me again.
I didn’t feel the same, so I texted him after that I enjoyed seeing him but “i don’t really see it moving forward with us.”
Apparently unsettled with being rejected, he felt the need to retort.
“I mean I felt the same. You were a bit to fem for (me) tbh.”
I’m honestly surprised it took this long for me to end up in the masc vs. fem battle on Grindr, or in the community of gay men, for that matter.
There are so many elements of all this to unpack. The toxic masculinity. The discrimination within a community of people that is already discriminated against. The fact that I didn’t ask for, nor did I need to hear, his opinion on my personality.
I was actually disappointed that I didn’t end up liking him. In Garrett’s previous job, he actually spent a lot of time interacting with journalists. He was one of the few people I’ve met on a dating app that truly understood what I do and didn’t have any annoying opinions about “the media.”
I went into the date excited. I’d actually told him initially that I was busy Tuesday night but changed my mind and said my “schedule had cleared up” after a bit more conversation made me realize I really wanted to meet him.
And yet, my correspondence with him ended in him trying to make himself feel better about his rejection by insulting my personality, a personality that I am in love with and am proud of after years of figuring out who I am.
Definitely dodged a bullet.
The roots of the hatred toward feminine men in the gay community really comes from all over the place. There’s likely some internalized homophobia, years of discomfort over the stereotypical uber-feminine “gay best friend” in film and television and, often times, a dislike of Drag culture.
The best way I can describe myself is that I love Taylor Swift and baseball. Take that for what you will.
I generally feel pretty middle of the road. I love my lip gloss and pop music, but I’m handier that all three of my exes, including two who *definitely* thought of themselves as more masculine than me. (I will add, my knowledge of tools and putting shit together is through no fault of my own. I tried for my entire childhood to learn nothing from Dad. Alas, as it turns out, being forced to help rewire an entire house and fix all sorts of random shit does leave some knowledge with you.)
I always find it intriguing, and a bit funny, when I meet or see gay men who identify as exclusively masculine and only want to date other masculine men.
I mean, shit, you’re a part of the gay community. For decades, people have discriminated against us in large part because of the fact that they thought we weren’t masculine enough. What did you expect? Read the societal room, please?
And, I’ll admit, I’m not some magic dater who loves everyone and everything. There are certain personalities that I’m more attracted to than others. Generally, I’m most interested in other people who are, well, like me in personality.
Quote of the Week
Speaking of people who dislike my personality …
I hope this, yes, stranger feels better having gotten that out of his system.
I’m aware I could always be wrong! I hate beards with a burning passion stronger than the core of the sun. Nevertheless, as my former roommate used to tease, watch me end up falling in love with a man who has a beard. It’s not likely, but it could happen.
The problem here is the fact that he felt the need to tell me he didn’t like an intrinsic part of my personality. While my personality has shifted over the years, it’s tied to my identity as a human being.
Yet.
No. One. Asked.
I told him I wasn’t into him. That was not to be read as an opportunity to say his peace about how he didn’t like my personality, something that, as a stranger, he has no right to comment on.
What’s more fucked up is the culture of men who plaster these opinions all over their Grindr profiles. Frequently, there will be men who say “no fats, no fems” in their profiles. I can’t stop anyone from being into whatever they are into.
But, kindness is always an option. Instead of making other people feel bad with your dating app profile, why not … just ignore them if they message you? You don’t even have to say that you’re not into them. Just don’t reply. It’s really not that big of an inconvenience. People I’m not into end up in my Grindr DMs all the time. Do they rattle my life? No, because I forget about them the second I leave the app.
In so many ways, comments like “no fats, no fems” drive us all back to the proverbial closet. A nonbinary person might feel more masculine some days and more feminine on others. A young gay teen who doesn’t spend all their time at the gym might feel unattractive and unwelcome if one of their first exposures to dating is a callous comment like that in someone else’s dating profile.
These divisions within the community are not limited to attractiveness and personality. There’s one that trumps all others in its evil — racism disguised as “preference.”
A detestable cohort of the community thinks it's okay to declare they will only date other white people. Or that they wouldn’t date an Asian person.
All of this negates what the LGBTQ+ community stands for: Celebrating differences. These cruel approaches to dating invalidate the deconstruction of gender norms that the queer community was built on. I wouldn’t be surprised to come across a study one day proving that these divisions contribute to hate crimes. Even at the most basic level, these beliefs are harmful and will surely further the depression and loneliness that already plagues so much of the community, especially young people.
Despite how infuriated I was with Gavin’s unnecessary comment about my personality, I try to treat every moment with people like him as a chance to help someone learn.
So, I told him exactly what I thought of his careless comment.
I didn’t hold his hand. I didn’t make him feel okay as I shredded him. I laid down the hammer with an iron fist.
“it was highly unnecessary to insult my personality by calling me ‘too fem’ but thanks *bro*”
Gavin tried to recover, saying the comment was tied to his personal frustration with a difficult tenant at an AirBnB of his. I don’t care. Everyone deals with difficult situations all the time. Learn to manage your emotions so you don’t toss your frustration like a shitty cannonball at others.
“if you think anyone, or anything, is ‘too fem,’ then you need reevaluate your relationship with your sexuality and the broader LGBTQ+ community,” I told him. “no one needs to be on the receiving end of such cavalier hate. i, for one, am proud of my personality and my identity, having spent years coming to terms with who im meant to be. you have work to do if you're spouting such comments when rejected.”
I, generally, don’t take shit from anyone. I’m especially not about to take it from a stranger. I don’t want that idiot feeling like saying that is okay, not just to me, but to anyone. Ever.
“nothing is more unattractive than a gay man with disdain for other types of queer people,” I told him.
Gavin might’ve made that comment about how I was too “fem” for his taste as a defense mechanism. But, he needs to learn the solution to facing a discomforting reality is not to lash out.
It was inappropriate for him to say that to anyone, thanks.
More than just my Love Story
Five dating app dilemmas answered by experts. (The Guardian)
What Is Polyamory? Queer Relationship Experts Explain Everything You Need to Know. (Them.)
Find freedom and create your own path in your first queer relationship. (NPR)
Online Dating Is Great—for Investors. For Customers, It’s Complicated. (Wall Street Journal)
Note: The names of the people in my columns have been changed to respect their privacy — and to allow me to spill a bunch of tea about them without remorse.